Process facilitation is a transformative and feminist practice

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I have wanted to write this blog for a long time, and now I am actually doing it, triggered by our Open Space meeting on 7 November. But it is about much more, it is about how we change the world not only by what we do but especially by how we do it. And that has in turn everything to do with why we do it. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

It ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it

“Process facilitation is a gender transformative and feminist practice!” It was with this conclusion that I concluded Genuine Contact’s Working With Open Space Technology course a few years ago. And for that reason, at Emancipator, from the very beginning, we wanted not only to bring an innovative perspective but also to do so in an innovative way.

This is not the way

Recently, I was in two long meetings, one lasting four hours, the other no less than five hours. They were in fact planned as two shorter meetings in a row, but in terms of content and participants, they blended together. So in practice, we just sat in meetings for four and five hours. Without a check-in. Without a break, at least if I hadn’t asked for one at some point. We just kept buffeting along, from our heads, with all the important topics. As human beings, we got little or no attention in these meetings. “Mind-numbing, energy-draining and life-depleting,” I noted to myself.

I realised then that I really don’t want to do this anymore, that it’s not good for me, that things have to be different and can be different.

From head to heart and soul

During the training ‘Training with Heart and Soul’, I learnt that the biggest and most important part of our communication is non-verbal communication. Body language, intonation, etc determine whether and how our message comes across. It turns out that what we do is more important than what we say, which is also evident in raising children, for example. But subsequently we often revert to mainly verbal communication, words words words words, on paper, on a screen, spoken or written, but words everywhere, especially speaking to our heads. And if something goes wrong in communication, we also tend to try to solve it by saying the same thing again, but in different words, or through a different medium. What often gets overlooked is the relationship, the relationship level of ourselves with ourselves and with others. Whereas that is where everything happens that determines how we interact with each other and how we shape the world together.

Transforming masculinity

The way we meet, conference, collaborate, talk to each other, etc – all of these things are important for the change we want to see in the world. It is not right to do all these things in patriarchal ways while trying to dismantle patriarchy. We must be wary of reproducing traditionally masculine ways of working while trying to question and transform traditional masculinity.

Old politics

Meetings with ‘talking heads’ and ‘power-to-the-point’ are old politics. Sometimes we need that, to be taken seriously, because we do not yet know how to make our points in a different way, or because that is what we are all used to. But even when we give the stage to ‘unusual suspects’ and give space to a different perspective than usual, the underlying process is often actually old wine in new bottles.

Imagine change

By choosing as organisers who gets the stage, who does a presentation, who sits on a panel, who gives a workshop, etc., we determine what and who is, or should be found, important. But what happens if we leave it to the visitors and participants themselves? If they can decide what is on the agenda, if they can choose what they want to spend their time and attention on and what contribution they are willing and able to make?

Why, what, how

To me, this is about several things at the same time. It is about the message; for us the message of men’s emancipation, men’s contribution to women’s emancipation and what men themselves stand to gain from this. And it is about the organisation of meetings, process design, the design, how do we organise it, what choices do we make, and to what extent do we break old patterns in doing so? And it is about the way of meeting and working together, the process guidance, process facilitation, facilitating human interaction.

The entire human being

A good gathering appeals to many different people, addressing people in their completeness as human beings. We are not just head, we are heart, belly, hands, feet. We are mind, feelings, body, inspiration. We have different learning styles, and we need them all. Analysis, experience, reflection, being taken by the hand. We are rational, creative, visual, auditory, sensitive, spiritual. We have a left brain and a right brain. You could also say, we have a masculine and a feminine side. But in the end, we are mostly human, with everything what that means. We want to be perceived, addressed, engaged as human beings. We need our human potential to create good solutions to complex issues. The problems that have come from too much masculinity, too much ratio, too much abstraction, too much theory, cannot be solved by even more masculinity, even more ratio, even more abstraction, even more theory. If you continue to do what you always did, you will get what you always got. A problem can never be solved at the same level of consciousness that created it.

You may say I’m a dreamer…

At Emancipator we always start our meetings with checking in: how are you right now? What do you take with you from what you have experienced before, what is perhaps already occupying your mind from what is to come, what would be nice to share in order to be really present in the here and now? Then we try to communicate creatively, alternately, interactively with each other, pay attention to the process, use different work formats, incorporate sufficient breaks, alternate plenary work with duos and/or small groups, and take signals from participants seriously. If one person needs to go to the toilet, or is distracted, or tired, that usually applies to more people. Within Genuine Contact, this approach is called ‘Whole Person Process Facilitation’.

Of course, this is not perfect; it is a road of ups and downs, of trial and error, of compromising. What is clear, however, is that it is the way to go for us, the way to go if we really want to change things. If we want to put people above things, if we value relationships over performance, if we believe that a good process ultimately leads to a better outcome.

7 November 2023 Open Space

On 7 November 2023, we will organise an Open Space meeting in Amsterdam Zuidoost: More Care For Less Violence: Men More Human In 2024. Open Space provides the most equal space for participants to interact, learn and develop with and from each other. Even the meeting agenda is filled in by participants themselves. There are no stages, no lectures, no talking heads, no power to the point. What there is: lots of meeting, interaction, inspiration, participation. Of course, as an organisation, we do choose a theme as a framework for the meeting, thus providing direction. And we choose who we invite, thus determining the possible interpretations. By the way, we also did that together with others, at two meetings for stakeholders and interested parties who wanted to contribute to what it will all look like.

You are all welcome to further invite who you would like to be there. And to put your angle, perspective, topic, target group, method, question, insight, idea or whatever on the agenda!

Want to know more about Open Space?

On 6 November, the evening before the Open Space meeting, you’ll be given the change to delve into the Whole Person Process Facilitation (WPPF) and Open Space Technology. We will give a short presentation on these working methods and jointly set up the space for the meeting on 7 November. Together, we will set the tone for an inspiring day afterwards. Because how the space looks and feels is, of course, also of great importance for how the participants will feel and move in it and interact with each other. This is your chance to learn a bit more, meet others, and contribute practically to the organisation and success of this meeting. If you enjoy contributing practically to the organisation of this meeting, you are also welcome. Who you want to take part? You can register here.

By the way, next year we will organise another Open Space meeting, and we would like to bring more people along in its preparation. You can let us know right now if you’re interested, but it will also definitely come up again in our newsletter and social media!

On 6 November, the evening looks like this:

18.00 Reception and dinner at NoLimit!

18.30 Physically setting up the room

19.00 Explanation WPPF and Open Space

19.30 Setting room ambiance

21.30 End

Dear men: a new perspective on masculinity

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Not conforming to the norm is only possible if an alternative is available

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Trans man Robert Witte was our reporter at the #IMAGINE2018 Conference ‘Engaging Boys and Young Men in the Age of #MeToo’ and wrote this personal impression about the content.

“Not conforming to the norm is only possible if an alternative is available”

You only know what you were expecting after you enter a room. The IMAGINE conference is bigger en more international than I anticipated on. A lobby, a big hall and six smaller rooms are reserved for us in the luxury Hotel Casa, and the volunteers address everyone in English. Old, young, sneakers, sandals, pointy shoes and pumps (not just worn by women) – it’s all mingling. Considering the topic, Engaging Boys and Young Men in the Age of #MeToo, I assumed that the majority would be men. I realize how naive that assumption is, when the moderator welcomes everyone by saying: ‘This is the first conference where I am actually excited to see so many men. This topic has been discussed by women for years and it is time that men are engaged as well.’

My naivety probably comes from the fact that I am a trans man who has lived ‘as a woman’ during the first fourty years of my life. The #MeToo stories are not new to me. I know they are true, I know that something needs to change in society and I know that that’s only possible if men change their behaviors. Suddenly I realize how well I understand the women’s perspective, in contrast to the men’s perspective. Why do so many men ignore the unspoken signals that women use to make clear that they are not interested in sex? Why do men believe that there is a ‘grey area’? And why would you ever want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you?

The congress is fully booked and the plenary room is packed. The keynote speaker tells about the history of violence against women and emphasizes that we are actually still at the beginning of a new era. The #MeToo hashtag was already coined in 2007 by Tarana Burke, but it seemed too early. Some bigger and smaller protests against sexual violence and abuse of women followed. In 2014, Emma Sulkowicz started their project Mattress Performance (Carry that Weight). For months, they carried a 50-pound mattress everyday to raise awareness to the fact that the student that raped them on that very mattress was never expelled and still at liberty on that university. Even during their graduation, they carried the mattress. The “Grab ‘em by the pussy” quote by Donald Trump led to the #NotOkay hashtag, that was used 2,7 million times. On the 21st of January in 2017, the turn-out at the Women’s March on Washington was huge. And all of a sudden, by the end of 2017, the #MeToo hashtag caught on, which created a focus on female victimhood. ‘But why’, the keynote speaker asks, ‘were a lot of people so surprised by the stories? Surely this wasn’t any news?’

During the break, I notice a sign on every table in the lobby with an image of a flower and a question like: ‘How can boys and men prevent sexual violence against women?’ On each name badge, there is a flower as well, also accompanied with a question. The idea is to encourage people to start a conversation, which doesn’t seem necessary. The atmosphere is relaxed and throughout the day there are groups of people chatting everywhere.

The flowers on the badges were not picked randomly. The four toxic flowers represent toxic masculinity. Just like men often hide their vulnerability with aggression, these vulnerable flowers defend themselves with poison.

After the plenary session, there are three very interesting rounds of Break Out Sessions. The first session I attend is ‘Fatherhood and the Prevention of Violence’. Immediately I hear something that never occurred to me before: the moment a man becomes a father is also the moment when he is very open to change. Every man wants to be a good father, though many men never learned how to do that. If your father would beat you, how do you make sure you don’t also beat your own children? There are so called father groups where men, often for the first time in their lives, open up about their own fathers: absent fathers, violent fathers, drinking fathers. By sharing those experiences in a safe space, these men feel safe to talk about their own behavior as a father. A pedagogue tells about his work with migrant fathers, with whom he talks about raising a child. He explains how he never uses the term ‘domestic violence’, and instead talks about ‘domestic happiness’. Which factors are in the way of domestic happiness? Another person is a coach who guides men in their fatherhood, by looking at their biggest strength: their heart.

As the group discussion starts, I move to another session. ‘Using humour to challenge harmful gender norms’ speaks to me. Unfortunately, I am not the only one who’s into humour, the room is packed and I can’t even open the door. The same goes for the workshops on the Toolkit MÄN (from Sweden) and the Toolkit Emancipator (Dutch). It makes sense, since the toolkit is developed to engage boys and young men and make some real changes in society, which is why everyone is here in the first place. I walk to a far-off room to learn something from ‘How can we encourage more men to take a public stand against VAW?’. VAW is an abbreviation of Violence Against Women. I learn that men can lose their sense of masculinity during a crisis, like losing a job, divorcing, or even having a child. Therefore, those moments are a good time to talk about possible changes of their behaviors. Someone mentions his work with prisoners, where he talks about being brave and working on justice, without specifically mentioning women. It appears that these very masculine men can be the best allies in the fight for equality, because they occupy a position that is completely on the other side, and not at ‘the movable middle’, the big group of ‘moderate men’.

During another break, I see some confused women, because the toilets are gender neutral – there are no gender specific signs. They peak into one restroom and as soon as they notice a man, they hurry into the other room. I am disappointed in the neutral toilets when I enter one and discover a toilet seat that is covered in splashes. Maybe the Toolkit should also involve some instructions on how to leave a toilet decently.

During the Break Out Session ‘Gender inequality in relation to other inequalities’, the room is packed. One woman tells about her research on schools, another woman explains that white and black women have different experiences. The lighter the skin, the less inequality you experience. Race is always I factor, I know that. Sometimes I feel oppressed as a white trans man in this society, but then I think about a non-binary black trans femme, and I realize that some people are in much more difficult positions. I sneak out of this workshop, because I want to make it to the workshop on the Toolkit. A black woman with a headscarf, who is making a phone call in an empty hallway, bursts into tears as I leave the room. We make eye contact and she shouts: ‘My daughter just graduated!’. Next thing I know, we hug each other like old friends that haven’t seen each other in years. ‘Gymnasium’, she cries and I feel goose bumps on my arms. This interaction says a lot about the atmosphere at this conference. Usually I’m not a big hugger, especially if I don’t know the other person, and I assume that this woman normally wouldn’t hug strange men. Here, in this hallway, it seems so normal, and I wish that was more often the case.

The Toolkit workshop, however, is full again, so I move on to ‘Working with boys (from sex specific to gender transformative)’. As I enter, a man is in the middle of a story: ‘… that’s when my partner came out. And immediately you could see a change in the behavior of the kids: they started reflecting on what they had just said. In their eyes, a gay man was not a real man, but the man standing in front of them obviously was.’ I recognize the situation from the time when I gave workshops on transsexuality. Someone mentions how tough it can be for educators to constantly deal with prejudice, and pleas for aftercare within the teams of educators. It sounds very winsome to me.

During the break I hear two men having a conversation on nail polish. The younger one mentions how he sometimes struggles with reactions like: ‘O, you wear nail polish so you must be gay.’ The other one replies: ‘I always say: that’s interesting, why do you think that?’, and then we can have a discussion.’ He also tells about a Spanish young woman who once said: ‘I knew you’re not gay. Because a man who wears nail polish must be very convinced about his own masculinity.’ The conversation makes me think about all the feminine things I would and wouldn’t like to do. I have worn nail polish so many times that I don’t find it interesting anymore. I could grow my nails a little longer though. I hate lipstick, but some mascara or eyeliner might be suitable for when I go to a party for people over 35? I’ll keep it in mind. High heels? No. Boots for men are on my wish list, though.

During the last round of the Break Out Sessions, I have a hard time staying focused. My mind is already filled with all the things that I heard today, that I want to reflect on. I understand more about men and how the system works for them. As a trans man, I was socialized as a girl and woman, which might actually be an advantage, I now realize. Being empathetic, listening, expressing my feelings – I have learned all these things over the years and feel comfortable with it. Ever since I express myself as a man, I get remarks like: ‘You should make an angrier face’, ‘You laugh too much’, ‘Your eyes will always reveal your history as a woman’, ‘You don’t drink beer? I thought you wanted to be a man?’. At the beginning of my transition I would take these remarks very seriously, because yes, I wanted to be a ‘real man’. But always making an angry face and drinking beer just doesn’t suit me. I am kind, empathetic and open, and I like to take care of my body. Why would I let go of that, just to live up to some stereotype? It felt like I would lose a part of myself, if I were to conform to the norms, and I didn’t want that. I transitioned, so that I could be myself. I didn’t transition to go from one straitjacket to another. Years have passed, and now I really don’t care what others expect from a man. In the gym, I switched from fitness to dancing classes, I drink mint tea, I have more female friends than male friends and I cry over movies (and not over soccer matches).

If not conforming to norms of masculinity was hard for me at the age of forty, than imagine what it must be like for teenage boys. From their earliest days, they get all these messages on how to be a man. This only increases during their puberty. Peer pressure, fathers that want to turn them into ‘real guys’, coaches screaming ‘Hey, you’re not a pussy, are you?’, movies and videogames full of stereotypes – how do you let that roll off? That’s only possible if an alternative is at hand, if you have role models to look up to, or if you’re very confident from an early age. I realized that I would lose a part of me if I would conform to the norm, and that is probably what happens to a lot of boys in their puberty: the pressure of being a ‘real man’ and the lack of alternatives makes them lose a part of their identity. They start behaving different, which leads to frustration, and this frustration turns into aggression towards women, gays, transgender people and people from different cultures. Not because they want to, but because they feel pressured to do so.

The eye openers I got today, will need some more time to process. But one thing is for sure: making an end to toxic masculinity is not just beneficial for women, but definitely for boys and men as well. I hope the toolkit will find its way to many schools, communities and organizations in the Netherlands and beyond, to create a better society for everyone.

Robert Witte